s e m i - f r i e n d s o n l y
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only my friends on lj can read this journal in its entirety although some of my entries are set on public.
most of the entries are locked if they concern more private thoughts that i'd rather not release to the public.
if you'd like to become a friend, just comment in this entry.
this journal mostly concerns regular comments about my day-to-day experiences as well as musings and frustrations about my life as a human in general.
most of my posts are of the tl;dr kind.
This song makes me so inexplicably sad.
it was fabulous. i know most people go through college eating awful food.
sometimes i wonder if i've missed the essential college student experience of pretty much eating garbage straight out of bins.
then again, with a roommate that can cook stuff like that, i think my situation is much better.
we had some lovely sparkling grape juice along with dimmed lights, floating tea lights, rose petals, and a really shoddy vase made out of an old orange juice bottle.
( clicky click here for moarCollapse )
great job..fuckin' great job.
i mean, i know i'm not fat, i just happen to have a lot of junk in my trunk for an asian girl.
apparently you cannot imprison my ass in jean-leggings because it will find a way out.
even if it has to rip its way out.
you know, i'm trying not to be like that.
i can't help but think that the older i'm getting, the more of my hobbies i'm losing.
i wish i could stay passionate about the things i liked more instead of just lapsing into a 'blaaaah' sort of attitude about them after a couple years.
for one, i never really write anymore.
i used to enter competitions for creative writing in high school and middle school.
i also used to write short stories and poetry for fun.
now, i can't help but feel that, without a mentor, i have absolutely no drive to continue writing -- it's like my inspirations are gone.
the desire to create is still there, but i have almost nothing to work with.
same goes for drawing, i guess.
i can't remember the last time i did a drawing from sketch and brought it all the way through to finishing it by cleaning and painting it.
i haven't read any new books in a while.
mostly because i pick up books and then drop them halfway as soon as i lose interest.
uugh, i'm becoming boring.
stay passionate, stay passionate.
i feel like i'm becoming less of myself.
it's so weird.
an entire generation has basically had their faces stapled against the screen of a cell phone.
most of the time i have a hard time counting more than three people who are not staring at their cell phones and texting the entire bus ride.
alone in a crowd.
wonder what emerson would say about the idea of everyone actually being an individual, completely separate from the rest, despite being in a crowd.
only it's gone to the extreme now and you can't actually even talk to people if it isn't through texting.
a true story from oxford emory
once upon a time there was a fat happy cracked out gray squirrel. it spent all its days eating nuts and all sorts of goodies while crack-spazzing about in its paradise. one day, while the squirrel was out stuffing its face with more food, a giant hawk swooped down out of the sky and carried away the screaming squirrel as it writhed hopelessly in its claws before devouring and tearing it apart, leaving its rotting body behind as a young chinese girl watched in awe and horror from her dorm window.
i feel like this is a pretty accurate representation of my college experience thus far.
also, last night the fire alarm in the dorm went off at 4 am in the morning and i had to stand bitterly in the cold for half an hour for them to figure out the wiring problem with the alarms. after that i couldn't fall asleep so i just ended up lying with my eyes closed in bed for about two hours until i had to get up to go to work. guh.
at this point i think i've been naturally conditioned to not trust fire alarms.
they're all like the boy who cried wolf.
i sometimes feel like picking people up at the airport is pretty awful.
like staring at the gate and just waiting for that person to show up when all you can see is just the escalator bobbing up and down.
another group of people shuffle out, usually never with the person you're waiting for.
i think i just get anxious whether or not that person will actually show up or not.
i don't know.
i hate airports.
i also feel like this every time i get to stuff myself with disgusting amounts of garlic and pork belly.
time to go snack on the taiwanese popcorn chicken in the fridge.
this would be fine if they somehow didn't also miraculously have enough head fat to have neck cleavage that spills out on top of the collar.
and then their heads end up just looking like blobs of toothpaste sitting on top of a collar.
for some reason, they're always bald too.
- Veronica A. Shoffstall
in other news, i'm pretty much having my sixth fever in the past few days now.
i have no idea who i caught this from, but i know for sure i've spread it to at least three other people at this point.
it's one of those giant moth species that span larger than a hand.
the last time i found one of those was on my birthday two years ago.
i actually take that specific type of giant moth to be a very bad omen now.
i don't know.
they're very big and furry and quite beautiful to tell the truth, but i can't help but think of them as a negative symbol of my past experiences:
moths fly too close to the candlelight and burst into flames.
i wonder sometimes while driving if maybe, just like the ways that tires can sometimes leave grooves on the highway, if maybe there are emotional imprints.
i don't know if maybe i'm just a really strange person, but sometimes i emotionally imprint on certain locations.
being at the west paces starbucks yesterday made me feel like a living anachronism.
not to mention, sometimes, when i'm driving to places, i'll remember the next time i drive again how i felt while driving.
there are certain roads that bring back nostalgia, like driving back to high school.
then there are others that are just strongly imprinted as roads that i cried my heart out while driving -- particularly on the way to oxford and also several roads in roswell.
there are some roads that i remember being so excited to get to my destination at the time that it felt like my heart was going to burst.
others are roads that i've been scared on or lost on.
so i think sometimes that places tend to soak up the emotions that they have.
i can only imagine what other people sometimes feel when they're driving in their respective cars, boxed up with emotion.
i seriously wonder how many people, like me, have cried so much on the highway while driving.
i feel like i aged five years in one summer.
and, i guess like all other growth spurts, i feel like i have yet to still really get used to these new self of mine that is growing.
at the moment, it's weird that i'm very conscious of the fact that a life philosophy that will probably define the rest of my life in some way is being developed inside me.
for one, i think i've become much more selective about my relationships with people.
i feel so much more encouraged after a good session at starbucks after learning that i'm really not the only one going through this phase of realizing what it means to grow up.
at this point, i'm defining what people i need and do not need in my life.
i have no need for people that i don't respect or look down on simply because of their sense of entitlement and unjustified arrogance.
to make things short, i have no respect for people who do no work and expect things to sort themselves out or for something to just magically fall in their lap.
i don't care if you don't know what you want to do with your life yet but if you're not even doing anything at all and expecting to just wake up one day and suddenly know what you're meant to do, then you're a pathetic person.
strive to work hard so that you can really say you deserved something and don't expect the world to just keep giving to you unconditionally.
if you have no compassion, if you don't even make an effort to try to understand a person from a point of view other than your own, you're pathetic.
if you don't understand what i mean when i say, "it's all too easy...what you need is something with tears for a change. nothing costs enough here.", then obviously we can't see eye to eye in terms of values.
i don't need people who don't understand that nothing comes without suffering or hard work in my life.
neither do i see any point in keeping up any sort of relationship with someone who can't even care for themselves or feel anything outside of artificially induced emotions.
if you are nothing but a casual observer of the world and not an active participant, you have no right to criticize it from afar like a bitch.
people who simply avoid anything that is "too hard" simply because they can't even bear to deal with any sort of inconvenience or the slightest bit of discomfort and then whine about never getting anything after are the most pathetic of all.
i'm talking about things that are too hard like avoiding friends because supporting them emotionally would be too hard.
or even something as getting a fucking job by applying instead of whining that no one's giving one to you.
you make it all too easy for yourself.
it's amazing how blind people can be to the truth about themselves.
i hope one night the realization of what it really means to have nothing at all will blindside you and that is when you'll truly regret it all.
maybe we can talk when you understand that.
although i doubt you ever will.
for example, if you're too immature for your age group, you're too immature to realize you're immature.
you'd forever be stuck in this loop of total ignorance of your own lack of maturity.
i guess you could say this about a lot of things.
like being too stupid to realize you're stupid.
too incompetent to realize you're incompetent.
too ignorant to realize you're ignorant.
regardless, you'd just be stuck in total ignorance about the reason why most people dislike you or look down on you (namely, your immaturity/stupidity/incompetence/ignora
but then again, i feel like i've only begun to realize that it's not really that ideal to be ahead of the loop either.
because everyone else would be too immature to realize your maturity anyways, so it'd just be unrecognized.
meanwhile, you'd just be stuck as an outsider looking in, never really being a part of the group.
and you'd probably just end up hating the absolute shit out of everybody else, only for them to never understand what exactly is your problem and probably conclude that you're just a jerk.
either way, whether you're behind or ahead of the curve, you'd always be stuck in it, developing either too late or too early compared to your peers although i also feel as though the rate of this maturing process can be easily slowed down if you hang out with too many of the wrong people.
and there's no real way to tell where exactly you land on this curve, so if something's wrong and you're incapable of relating to your peers (like me), you'll probably never even know why.
but, you know, even if my theory about this is wrong, at least it would provide some sort of explanation as to why i find it so ridiculously hard to relate to anyone in my age group.
i think it's got to do sometimes with a mismatch of priorities, interests, values.
more than half the time i don't really quite understand the motivations behind people's actions in the first place.
for me, i think i've kind of unwittingly made a reputation of myself as someone who hates just about anything and anyone for any reason.
i'd like to think that maybe this means i'm ahead of the curve of maturity in terms of my age group since i feel like i tend to have vastly different values from my peers, but i feel like this sounds incredibly arrogant and stupid because i know i'm not exactly wise myself and that i have a lot to learn.
but i think maybe that makes me a little more mature, recognizing that i am a flawed person and that, sometimes, we're too ignorant of our own ignorance to make real judgments.
either this or it makes me a person of very little self-esteem.
maybe i can be both.
sometimes i feel like i'm the only person who does this.
then again, i wonder if it may come back to bite me in the ass one day.
i suppose most people are the type who judge based on friend counts.
i just delete people that i find uninteresting or shallow.
i can't help but think it's because people feel as though the humanities aren't "real education" compared to the sciences.
i know a too many people who could stand to take some lessons on humanity and the human soul, specifically a lot of my extremely dense peer biology majors.
like feeling my stomach pressing up against my skin after i eat a lot of food or drink a lot of water.
seeing my heartbeat in the shower when i look down on my chest in the shower.
seeing my veins beating under my skin.
hanging upside-down and feeling the shifting weight from my guts pressing up against my lungs.
i guess it's just a reminder both that i'm alive and that i'm going to die.
that said, weight loss is going okay.
i'm eating less and less every day and drinking more and more water instead.
eventually i hope to water-fast for a while and clean up my insides a bit.
but every pound lost is kind of satisfying when i look in the mirror and realize i am actually making progress and becoming smaller and smaller.
i've also been doing more exercises.
my legs and stomach have been aching all week from the squats and sit-ups that i keep doing, but it's a very weirdly good kind of pain.
i've been doing more cooking around the house simply because i feel like cooking makes me a lot less hungry after working with food and smelling it for long periods of time.
so whenever i cook i'm more likely to eat less, so i've even gotten to start making dinner for the family.
i think i'm getting used to being hungry.
i must art. it is necessary for my survival as a person.
these thoughts swimming around in my head need to be put down somewhere and stored.
i'm looking at you, tea party.
it's assumed that people who are artistic are attractive because this implies that they have an equally beautiful soul and emotions to draw their inspiration from.
but, as far as i'm concerned, there are a lot of people out there who consider themselves to be great artistes when their work consistently does not even scrape the surface.
anybody can be an artist, yes. anybody can make art.
not everybody has a truly beautiful soul.
so i think maybe the best people to fall in love with are people with beautiful souls who can create beautiful things but do not see themselves as grandmasters of their art.
i think that's how you can tell when somebody loves their work or if they are just more in love with the idea of themselves as someone who loves their work.
because the title of artist means nothing when you're really just in love with creating.
and not just in love with the idea of throwing yourself into anything regardless of whether you have the talent for it, like writing a two-bit tune by plunking down a couple of notes on a piano and calling yourself a musician.
maybe this comes off as sounding somewhat elitist, but i feel as though that is one of the highest points of self-entitlement and self-absorption -- throwing yourself into any sort of craft and thinking that that makes you this incredibly special unique fucking snowflake that deserves both recognition and stardom.
sorry, but a lot of people have sweat and bled over their work, but you somehow think that you deserve to have the same title as them when you just cranked out some shit-piece that you wrote in one hour?
i think that's why i've finally managed to pin down why i always hated it when people have called me an artist.
it just feels so very pretentious and vain and fake.
in other news, i think i might have to leave facebook eventually just because of how disgusting amount of narcissism i see on my feed every damn day.
i mean i know i'm not exactly a show-stopper myself but some girls really need to stop being so vain.
you're not model material, honey. if you were, you wouldn't have to be paying to try to be one. :\
i think it's only book that i've read that has resonated with me this much, and that's to say a lot considering how many books hold close to my heart.
"Call it the fault of civilization. God isn't compatible with machinery and scientific medicine and universal happiness. You must make your choice. Our civilization has chosen machinery and medicine and happiness. That's why I have to keep these books locked up in the safe. They're smut. People would be shocked it …"
The Savage interrupted him. "But isn't it natural to feel there's a God?"
"You might as well ask if it's natural to do up one's trousers with zippers," said the Controller sarcastically. "You remind me of another of those old fellows called Bradley. He defined philosophy as the finding of bad reason for what one believes by instinct. As if one believed anything by instinct! One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them. Finding bad reasons for what one believes for other bad reasons–that's philosophy. People believe in God because they've been conditioned to.
"But all the same," insisted the Savage, "it is natural to believe in God when you're alone–quite alone, in the night, thinking about death …"
"But people never are alone now," said Mustapha Mond. "We make them hate solitude; and we arrange their lives so that it's almost impossible for them ever to have it."
( nothing costs enough hereCollapse )
click to read aldous huxley's brave new world
this is horrifying.
so a huge bug just splatted on the windshield and left a huge explosive mess of what looks like yellow phlegm. gross.
last night i realized have the strongest urge to create again. maybe that's why i'm so excited about my tifa cosplay. i figured out last night how i might alter a white tshirt by hand in order to make her shirt. also i really want to get back into charm making again. apparently miniature clay food models are all the rage in toronto now. i saw a couple adorable dollhouse tables set out with handmade clay foods and dishes, complete with cutlery, napkins and chairs. too cute! i want to also try my hand at making these miniatures both since it seems so fun and addictive but also because they can sell for a very decent price to collectors (especially if you can create something as detailed as a miniature ice cream stand complete with flavours, scoops, and flavour tags).
so i figure i will stop by at a michaels again in atlanta and pick up a bunch of my favourite sculpey baking clay that i used to use for clay jewellery crafts and try it out. i'm excited!
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how many people have i lost touch with now?
not for lack of effort, but simply because there is no longer any common ground between us anymore other than "remember when...".
good god, this used to be my nightmare of what could happen when i was a freshman in high school.
it's terrifying watching this manifest itself into reality in front of my eyes.
ew, i feel old.
i always used to say that i had a feeling that i was going to die before turning twenty.
then again, i guess you could say that that statement did turn out to be true in a twisted sort of way.
i guess you could say that that person who used to say that did die in a way.
that said, i did eat a crab today.
when i was much younger, we used to serve crab for my birthday dinner with all the relatives.
the taste of warm crab meat dipped in vinegar-ginger sauce with a cold coke is very nostalgic for me and reminds me of my summer birthdays in toronto.
i used to be pretty efficient with it too because i used to love eating crabs that much. i'd break open every part of the shell and leave absolutely no meat behind, even sipping on the head for every last bit of tamale.
so i actually did end up getting my birthday crab this year.
it was very delicious
why are you so damn amazing?
the work that you do never stops to impress me.
i'm so glad you're still my major.
i wish i could marry you.
your fervent admirer,
after hours of agonizing over skype with monica, i've found my cosplay for anime weekend atlanta.
i'm going to be going as tifa, but as her original ff7 design.
it's motivation to get in shape and her costume should be relatively easy for a novice costumer like me.
i'm pretty excited to get to work.
i figured that i could get cheap knock-off doc martens at target to match hers.
and that a pair of padded boxing training gloves could easily be painted red and tied up with carefully applied duct tape and bandages to match hers (gluing on some green buttons shouldn't be hard either).
i haven't decided whether or not to make her armor pieces out of styrofoam or model clay yet though -- i'm not sure which one looks more realistic although i've heard that sanded styrofoam can easily look real if it's painted well enough which i'm sure shouldn't be a problem for me.
for the armor piece on her shoe, i'll use velcro to stick it on.
my suspenders that i have are pretty close to hers already -- i just need to figure out how to add an extra silver buckle.
her earrings are an easy design to find.
honestly, the only problem i have with her design is that my hair isn't long enough look like hers and i doubt it will be long enough in time (why did i ever think it would be a good idea to chop off all my hair?).
so i'm wondering if i should actually buy a wig that i would honestly probably never use again or even want to store or if i should just say "fuck it" and lose the hair tie to begin with since she cuts her hair in advent children anyways?
yeah, so this and working out so that i can actually look like tifa in her clothes.
it'll be fun. i think monica's thinking about going as lulu from ff10 or chun li from street fighter.
well, it's much more to my liking now.
not that that actually matters.
considering whether or not it's worth getting a paid account.
$20/a year is quite reasonable.
video is a poor excuse, i know.
but it helps me remember.
i need to remember
.having loose change thrown at me from an angry driver twice my age while on the highway
.running away from a creeper in kroger who kept trying to hit on me by yelling "you sexy!" at alternating volumes while i ran away with cheese in one hand
.going grocery shopping with my dad only to realize that we left with a cart that only held beer, ammunition, and raw meat (no complaints here)
.finally watching the copy of tokyo gore police i bought and realizing that alligator vagina, penis cannons, blood-spray rocket power, and girls with ak-47s or katanas instead of limbs should be in any gore movie.
.getting watermelon juice explosion in my face from picking an overly juicy watermelon and cutting it open too fast
.being told by the us customs agent that he was so glad i didn't live in texas, not because it's hot, but because the people there are "just all crazy".
.realizing that dildos with suction cup ability make very handsome sign-hangers, door knockers, and replacement refrigerator handles
.realizing that david sedaris reads my mind and i kind of hate him for it